


Raising Ravens

by rabid_behemoth



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Other, Psychological Trauma, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabid_behemoth/pseuds/rabid_behemoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are no snakes in this Garden of Eden, only dubious scarecrows. AU. [Sasuke-centric]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bus

 

" _Cría cuervos y te sacarán los ojos."_

" _Raise ravens and they'll take out your eyes."_

_~Spanish proverb_

* * *

It was happening again. And he knew he was doing it, even as he watched it happen. As he let it happen.

Perhaps he was distracted by the black crows in the gutter across the street. Can't look where you're going if you're watching birds claw each other over garbage. They were shrieking at each other. Or at him. Greedy scavengers. They were disgusting and they distracted him. So maybe he never even saw it coming. Maybe he did. Regardless, that last casual step off the sidewalk was one too many.

Realization hit him along with the bus.

His body splattered across the windshield, bones shattering against the unyielding surface. The impact sent his shoulder through the glass, removing a chunk of wet flesh and muscle before flinging him twenty feet forward through the air. His skull split open instantly when his head cracked against the wet asphalt. His broken body skidded pathetically another ten feet or so before coming to a stop. Blood soaked his jeans, ran into his sneakers, dyed his black hair bright red. He could not feel, could not hear the rising screams around him, nor see the traumatized faces of the unfortunate witnesses to his sudden, violent death. He did not care. With his final effort, he turned his eyes upward to the gray afternoon sky stretching out listlessly above him. The image, his last one, was ruined by a crow drifting indifferently across it.

And Sasuke died.

* * *

Sasuke blinked.

A sidewalk. A street. The crosswalk, the oncoming bus down the road. And there—there was the glaringly red DO NOT WALK sign. Red and shining, like his blood. Across the street the crows laughed at him.

Sasuke's foot froze mid-step, hovering for a long, almost indecisive second above the pavement. He blinked again and carefully placed it back on the sidewalk, stepping safely away from the curb. He felt the wind from the too-close bus rush past his face as it sped through the intersection. He stared blankly at its retreat. On its rear, a woman's face smiled enthusiastically at him from a faded advertisement for toothpaste.

He patiently waited for the light to change to cross the street, ignoring the incredulous stares of various passers-by, no doubt stunned by his apparent near-demise. It was not the first time this had happened, nor would it be the last. He did not remember when his waking dreams had started, whether they were a recent development or part of an older madness. However, he did know his daytime nightmares were just that: madness.

But Sasuke could not care.

* * *

"The cereal."

Predictably, his brother did not turn at the sound of his voice. Sasuke asked a question instead, knowing that would be more difficult for Itachi to ignore outright.

"Is it all gone?"

The older man stared unblinkingly at his newspaper as though in deep concentration. Sasuke did not miss the fact that his eyes failed to move across the page. Itachi took a sip of tea from his chipped yellow mug before responding.

"Yes."

Sasuke waited for him to elaborate, knowing it was futile. "Well, when will we have more?"

Another sip. Another swallow. Another too-long pause. "Friday."

Sasuke knew that. Itachi always got paid on Fridays. He just wanted to hear him say it, for some reason. Maybe he'd hoped that this morning would be different, that Itachi's answers would be longer than one word. Hah.

Sasuke gave up and left the tiny kitchen. Looking at Itachi not-looking at him was too hard. It had been years since the incident—Sasuke wasn't sure how many, he did not keep track—but Itachi had not changed. He had never been the warmest person to begin with, but since their parents' deaths he was like a lifeless doll. Expressionless, emotionless, empty. An imitation brother. He still did his duties as Sasuke's caretaker diligently,going through the motions and supporting him as best as he could on his measly income. They didn't go hungry or anything, but maybe that was because the government helped them out. High-paying jobs were not for high school dropouts like Itachi.

Back in his room, Sasuke flopped heavily onto his springy mattress and turned to stare at the blank expanse of his wall. He told himself he was lucky to have Itachi, or else he would surely have gone into the state's foster care system all those years ago. He was lucky that Itachi was willing to work so hard for them, to sacrifice his future at such a young age so he could take care of his little brother. Yes...

He shifted his gaze to the window knowing full well it was impossible to see the sky from his bed. He would have to get up and go outside to really see. Sasuke figured there was nothing better to do—it was Sunday so he didn't have school. Not that he really went when he did. It didn't matter.

Sasuke pulled his clothes on and went for a walk outside under the gray sky. They lived in Seattle, so it was always gray. That was just normal.


	2. Fog of Nothing

**Chapter 2: Fog of Nothing**

Sasuke knew today would be a bad day. It was Monday. Mondays were automatically worrisome, because Itachi was more likely to force him to go to school early in the week. Like he had today. Bad day already.

In school, Sasuke always spent most of his time not-listening to the teacher, and not-looking at his classmates. He was pretty good at it - maybe it was a skill he learned from his brother.

Instead, Sasuke stared. He stared at the blackboard. He stared out the window. He stared at his desk, at his idle hands, his blank notebook. Its pages were too clean, too white. He marked them with his pen. Just a line here, a black mark there. Sasuke did not doodle; he was not interested in doodles, or art in general for that matter. Or empty notebooks or teachers or even the window. He couldn't see the sky from it.

Sasuke was not the only one staring. Feeling the fine hairs on the back of his neck stand up with awareness, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, thinking of glaring his unwanted observer back into apathy. Back when they were normal brothers who spoke to each other regularly, Itachi used to lecture him about the rudeness of staring. Sasuke remembered. It was rude, so he should behave as if affronted.

He spun around to face the blonde boy he knew would be looking back at him. Bright cerulean assaulted him, gazed back unflinchingly and brazenly. Unapologetic. And far, far too curious about him. Sasuke let his glare blacken further, though it would do no good against this particular opponent. It never did.

This blonde boy whose name he did not even remember was  _always_  staring at Sasuke. He could do so easily from his usual vantage point two seats back and a row over. In the beginning of the year, he had been appallingly persistent in his pursuit of Sasuke's friendship. Sasuke had tried repeatedly to make it clear to the boy (by not-seeing and not-hearing) that he did not have friends. How in the world could he possibly be friends with anyone? He wasn't even on speaking terms with his own brother.

Sasuke allowed the staring/glaring contest to continue just long enough to firmly make his point before turning back around, hoping the annoying blonde would follow suit and just drop it. His thoughts drifted back into blankness for a couple minutes before he was suddenly startled out his reveries by a sharp poke in the back of his head, making him jump. He glanced around briefly before locating the culprit: a paper airplane lay on the floor next to him. Words were scrawled across it in barely legible pencil:  _To the dumbass with the mean eyes and stupid pierced ears_.

So it was a paper airplane note. To him. Pointless. Sasuke did not need to guess who the responsible party was. He turned around briefly to shoot daggers in the blonde's direction, not even bothering to pick up the note. The blonde raised an eyebrow expectantly. Sasuke resolutely turned back to his notebook, determined to ignore the boy thoroughly. The random marks he scribbled on his paper became more disordered, though Sasuke kept his expression carefully neutral.

The rest of the period passed without further incident, in a haze of nothingness. This class had a five minute break midway through that Sasuke barely remembered. He never left his seat. He lost track of how long he'd been sitting, and did not care to remember.

Then without warning: a warm hand on his shoulder.

Sasuke was on his feet instantly, chair screeching from the sudden motion. He found himself standing a full three feet away from his desk, heart pounding wildly in his chest, nerves afire. Someone had  _touched_  him.

And now everyone stared.

The teacher's voice died mid-sentence. He stared. The students stared too. But worst of all was the shocked look from the blonde who had evidently swapped seats with the girl behind Sasuke during the break. The blonde boy who  _must have touched him_.

"Mr. Uchiha. Are you alright?" The teacher spoke slowly, as though confronting an unpredictable animal. Somewhere in the back of his malfunctioning brain, Sasuke supposed that must be exactly what he was.

Pinned beneath over-interested gazes everywhere, Sasuke's muscles froze. Blood pounded in his ears. He could not speak. He could not explain. So he did the only thing he could do.

Sasuke ran.

* * *

It was happening again, but his awareness of this fact changed nothing. He could not stop it.

Sasuke had escaped the unbearable pressure of the classroom, seeking one of his precious few places of respite: a public park, one of many in Seattle, situated only a couple blocks from the tiny apartment he and Itachi lived in. It had a small pond fed by a surprisingly deep river, across which a little wooden bridge stretched. He often came here to dangle his feet off the edge of the bridge and calm himself. Looking at the water relaxed him, though it was gray like the sky it reflected.

And after his humiliating panic attack in the classroom, Sasuke needed the calm badly.

So here he was, sitting barefoot near the middle of the bridge, gazing down at the water beneath his toes. He had calmed his breathing methodically, concentrated hard to slow his furious pulse. He did not think back on the events of the day nor his inappropriate reactions. He did not wish to look that closely at himself.

A rustling in a nearby tree caught his attention. A beady black eye was watching him. That was the only problem with this spot. The fucking crows. For the second time today, the hairs on the back of Sasuke's neck rose. He twitched uncomfortably.

It was the ugliest thing he'd ever seen. Scraggly legs, sharp talons, oily black feathers. The way it watched him with its inhuman eyes was unnerving.

Sasuke threw a rock at it to make it go away.

His eyes widened in shock as it was suddenly upon him, a flurry of rank black feathers completely filling his field of vision. Sasuke gurgled in fear and disgust, instinctively holding his forearms up to protect his face from its sharp claws and beak. He swatted at it wildly, trying not to breathe in the foul scent— _in my face, my hair_ —but was knocked off-balance by the abrupt impact. He teetered precariously on the edge of the bridge for a moment, briefly suspended in time, knowing what would happen next and powerless to stop it.

Sasuke fell.

It took forever, though he knew the drop from the bridge to the river was only a few feet. His body hit the cold surface too hard anyway, water forcing its way into his lungs. His mouth and nose were filled with the burning taste of it. He fought and thrashed wildly, but couldn't swim. His arms and legs refused to function. Brown reeds snared his wrists and ankles, twisted around his neck like cold fingers, choking him and dragging him down. He could not get to the surface, could not reach the air. His lungs constricted painfully, filling with more freezing water as Sasuke coughed and tried to scream. Finding no air, his body breathed the water, and that was the end of it. Bubbles rose, then stopped. Sasuke eventually stilled, suffocating, and looked up at the sun peeking through the surface of the gray water. Gray like the Seattle sky…

And Sasuke died.

* * *

The beady eye was watching him. Sasuke blinked at it, rock in hand. He paused to consider the possible implications of his next action. Then he threw the stone.

The crow simply screeched and flew away.

"Hey."

Sasuke's thoughtful frown was interrupted by a deep voice. He looked around, eyes quickly locating a seated figure, leaning casually against a nearby tree, book in hand. He was older than Sasuke - surely an adult - but it was hard to estimate his age, especially given the unusual color of his hair. He definitely looked too young to be so gray. The man quirked an unimpressed eyebrow at him. Sasuke noticed he had a long scar bisecting his left eye. Odd.

"That wasn't very nice."

Sasuke said nothing. He was as uncomfortable with strangers as he was with people he knew. If he shut up the man would probably leave him alone. Most did.

It worked beautifully. The stranger went back to his book, looking utterly disinterested...bored, even. The minutes passed by slowly. Sasuke found himself idly wondering why he bothered to read it if the book was that dull. Or maybe this man was just unusually expressionless, like Itachi. Or himself.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude to stare?" The man never even looked up from his book, but Sasuke knew he must have spoken to him. They were the only two people there.

Sasuke's eyes widened slightly, and he felt his cheeks heat up before he quickly turned his face away. The man was right, he  _had_  been staring. What was wrong with him?

Maybe the shock of dying again? It wasn't something a person could get used to, no matter how many years it'd been happening for. Sasuke briefly wondered if the mysterious man could somehow sense how disturbed he was. He shook the paranoid thought off. The stranger was paying no attention to him whatsoever. Often Sasuke had to fight off unwanted attention until people learned to ignore him, but this guy was a natural. Sasuke wondered how he got that scar.

Abruptly the man snapped his book shut and dragged himself to his feet with an exaggerated sigh. He finally looked directly at Sasuke. Then he began to calmly slouch toward him.

Sasuke's heart quickened as the man approached. He fought the urge to flee. The man was clearly making a beeline for him, albeit a thoroughly unhurried one. What did he want? Sasuke did not want friends, and he did not know how to talk to people. But his legs were frozen.

The man stopped a respectful distance away and sat down lightly on the bridge near Sasuke, dangling his feet off the edge. Sasuke noticed he was also barefoot. He waited for the words to come. Words that intruded, that demanded things from him, words of unwelcome concern or interest. Sasuke got his glares and silence ready in response.

The words were not what he expected.

"You were staring again."

Sasuke blinked in open shock.

"How can you expect me to read in peace with you watching me so intently? With a face as handsome as mine, I can understand the desire to talk to me, but if you have something to say, I'd appreciate it if you just said it. Then I could go back to my book." The man looked at him, and Sasuke saw patience in his bi-color eyes. One was the oddest shade of red-brown, the other nearly black.

Sasuke could not find his words. The man did not seem bothered by this, though. Sasuke lost track of how long the stranger waited calmly for him to speak.

"Ah. Mute, are we?"

Still, Sasuke could not respond.

"Well. I suppose I'll just have to come back another time then. Apparently today is not a good day for reading." He stood slowly, stretching lazily, taking time to crack his back. Sasuke's eyes were locked on him throughout the entire belabored process. The man turned away.

"Maybe I'll see you around sometime."

And just like that, he wandered off into the distance as the sky began to drizzle.

Sasuke watched his back the whole time.

* * *

Later that night, Sasuke feared that his brother would confront him about his disturbance in school. He knew the events were noteworthy enough that his teacher would have called.

They ate their dinner together, but Itachi never said a word.

 


	3. Islands of Experience

**Chapter 3: Islands of Experience**

The dimness of the theater was comforting to Sasuke. The flickering lights on the big screen, white and gray and blue and red and black, round and round, blurred together. They filled the room, casting muted shades of every color across the scene, randomly lighting up the blackness, lengthening the shadows and staining upturned faces different hues.

Sasuke never went to the movies for the movies, of course. He went for the people. Sitting near the back rows he could see the backs of most of their heads, though they couldn't see him. Not that they were looking anyway. In a movie theater, nobody ever looks at their neighbors. And they certainly don't try to talk to them. Sasuke liked the movies.

It was like a church, he reasoned. Their heads tilted backward, jaws gone all slack, hungry gazes fixed intently on the screen. They looked so absorbed, worshiping together with dozens of pairs of eyes. Maybe he was a little jealous of their passion. Or their unity. They all agreed the screen was the most interesting thing in the room, after all. Sasuke couldn't quite focus on it properly.

Lost in thought, his eyes swept over the dim theater once more. Also like any congregation, not everybody paid strict attention to the main attraction at all times. In one of the front rows an older gentleman with a bad toupee knocked over his popcorn. To Sasuke's left, a couple was kissing. A middle-aged woman softly scolded two fussing toddlers two rows over.

Sasuke winced and looked away.

The movie sounded like it would be ending soon, so it was about time for Sasuke to make himself scarce. He hadn't paid for a ticket, after all. They didn't really have enough money to be going to the movies all the time, and there was no way Itachi would give him money to do so when he should be in school right now anyway.

Sasuke got up quietly, careful not to draw attention to himself. He didn't want to get caught as he snuck out.

He made his way down the row, holding his breath, careful to avoid brushing against any legs on his way out. That was the other good thing about sitting in the back; there were few people to cross over awkwardly when you left.

Breathing in relief when he reached the open space of the aisle, he began to make his way toward the bright red EXIT sign. Sasuke was halfway there when he spotted him.

Sasuke's amazement was so great that his feet forgot to move for a moment. Sitting there innocently in an aisle seat, as though it were the most natural thing in the world, was a familiar man with a familiar book. Reading. In the movie theater. Sasuke's mouth gaped in astonishment. Seattle was huge. What were the chances?

The bizarre man did not look up from his book. Sasuke could've sworn the corner of his lips curled upwards, but it was impossible to tell in the flickering dimness.

Confusion followed. Blinking rapidly, Sasuke shook it off and left the theater quickly as possible.

* * *

Sasuke did not believe in coincidences. He had learned the hard way at the ripe old age of six that things happen for a reason, all effects have causes, and certain events are always preceded by certain patterns. Especially bad ones.

Sasuke worried. For the first time in a long time, he had something in particular on his mind. It was unsettling. Blank minds were safe ones, but his had been doing too much thinking lately.

He sighed and sat up, reaching back behind himself to brush the dirt and leaves from his shirt and hair. Watching the sky was less relaxing than normal today.

His eyes wandered to the pond next to him, and to his own face looking back from its smooth surface. Sasuke almost never studied himself in any mirror (he even brushed his teeth with his back to it every morning), but his reflection in the unmoving, indifferent water was somewhat less threatening. So today he looked.

The blankness of his own expression startled him, but not even that emotion registered in his eyes. He looked as neutral as Itachi. Other features looked the same too: he had the same black hair, though his was short and untidy compared to his brother's. It stuck up stubbornly in the back in a way that used to irritate him when he was little; Itachi would tease him about it occasionally. He and Itachi still had identical black eyes, however, right down to the bags underneath them. The thought was troubling, perhaps. He was unsure how he felt about looking like his brother.

The only real difference between them was Sasuke's earrings. He had twelve in total, five in one ear and seven in the other. They attracted more attention than he would like, but he could not seem to stop collecting them, like a weird compulsion or a persistent bad habit. He remembered each piercing clearly; little islands of tangible experience in a fog of nothing. The stinging pain, the heat of the sterilized needle, the red droplets of blood against the white porcelain of the bathroom sink. Those fleeting moments were more real than the majority of Sasuke's life, as real as everything that wasn't. The holes in his body where the flesh should be were more alive than the rest of him. He wondered vaguely what he'd do when he ran out of space to put more of them in.

Sasuke's hand lifted to brush the outer shell of his left lobe, gently fingering one of the little silver hoops. He watched own his stoic expression with unease, trying to avoid the mental path his wandering thoughts were dragging him down.

It wasn't much use. That guy was too mysterious, intruding unexpectedly in two of Sasuke's favorite places like that and then thoroughly ignoring him. Sasuke had never run into someone he recognized around town before. Was the man stalking him? Should he be scared? Annoyed? Intrigued? Was he becoming paranoid-crazy, in addition to just normal-crazy?

Then Sasuke's mind abruptly stumbled onto an even more disturbing explanation: was it possible that he  _did_  run into people he should know, but had never paid enough attention to recognize anyone before?

Sasuke's reflection blinked at himself in surprise, hand stilling. The realization was obvious in hindsight. What was truly surprising was his own reaction, which was slowly dawning on him:

Was it really so painful to pay attention to this one small thing? How could it hurt to simply recognize this odd stranger with the gray hair and knowing eyes? What could it cost?

In the end, Sasuke was not as sorry about it as he should have been.

* * *

"Sasuke."

His brother spoke, but those eyes did not look up at him. The only other eyes in the world of the living that looked exactly like his, and they never looked up at him.

"Mr. Umino called. You missed school four times this week."

Itachi had not asked a question, so Sasuke felt no obligation to give an answer.

* * *

_There was his mother in the garden in their old backyard, planting rows of tomatoes. She measured them to make sure they were exactly ten inches apart—no more, no less. She smiled widely at his chatter as she worked. Sasuke was a very talkative six-year old. He loved tomatoes and wanted to help. She beamed and showed him how to do it properly._

_Later Sasuke ran inside to show his father and his brother what a good job he did, forgetting in his haste to leave his dirty shoes at the door. He held up naked, soil-blackened palms and pointed out the window in the big kitchen to the yard._

" _Dad! Itachi! Look, look, me and Mom planted more stuff in the garden today! Tomatoes!"_

_Sasuke beamed up at them, but neither smiled back. They rushed to the window together to watch his mother, whispering in strained voices. They were upset. Sasuke suddenly remembered the mud he unthinkingly tracked in and started to cry, expecting to be scolded._

_Instead, Itachi picked him up and gently hushed him. "It's okay Sasuke, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault."_

_Sasuke blinked back the tears in confusion. "But…there's mud everywhere…" he sniffled._

_Itachi glanced down at the mud. "Oh. It's fine, I'll clean it up in a moment." Itachi exchanged another look with his father as he put a soothed Sasuke down again. They went back to the window, talking quietly once more, spelling out big words so Sasuke couldn't understand._

_So they weren't angry about the mud, at least. But then why were they acting so strange? And why were they looking at his mother like_ that _again?_

_And then something clicked for the first time in Sasuke's young brain. They must be upset about something his mother was doing. Whenever they spoke softly to each other and ignored Sasuke, it was always to look at his mother in_ that way _. But why, why? What was so wrong with planting tomatoes? It's not like anything would really grow anyway, right?_

Sasuke woke suddenly, confused and disoriented. A dream about his childhood?...playing gardener with his mother...what a stupid dream. Sasuke rubbed his eyes bitterly, rolling over and jerking the covers up to his chin. His mother was long dead. There were no tomatoes. They never even had a garden out back.

Sasuke shut his eyes tight, but could not sleep.

 


	4. New Holly 29

**Chapter 4: New Holly 29**

The sun was sinking lethargically, fat and round and red. It hung low over rooftops in the distance. Sasuke watched it die from the little window in his tidy, though relatively empty, bedroom. It would be getting dark shortly, but Itachi still hadn't come home yet. This wasn't terribly surprising: the big publishing company he worked for was well-known for foisting overtime on its unsuspecting and underpaid employees. Sasuke supposed Itachi would be the last employee to complain-they could certainly use the extra money from the unexpected hours.

Sasuke exhaled lightly, fluttering some of the papers that had been scattered haphazardly across his lap. He made no move to pick them up; they were mostly completed anyway. Sasuke didn't mind homework nearly as much as he minded actually attending his classes. Sometimes, if he was in the right sort of mood, he even enjoyed busywork somewhat. Plus, homework-centered thoughts were safe thoughts. Sasuke touched his right ear absently.

The silence and stillness of the bedroom was interrupted by a tinny, unfamiliar melody—a telltale sign of the default ringtone on a cheap phone. It took Sasuke a moment to recognize it as his own. Though he had a cell, it was only for emergencies. Since no one but Itachi had his number, it pretty much never rang.

But it was ringing now. Sasuke fumbled through his backpack for it hastily, curiosity burning within him. What could Itachi be calling him for? Did something bad happen? Hand finding purchase at last, Sasuke pulled the phone out, glancing at its glowing screen.

_Unknown number._ So it wasn't Itachi? Then who...?

A thought flashed through Sasuke's mind, unbidden and unwelcome, but there.  _What if the gray-haired man somehow...?_

Sasuke's breath hitched in his chest as his heart sped up. On the last ring, his hesitating finger hit the TALK button. "...hello?"

"Sasuke. I'm stuck at work."

Itachi's low monotone met his ears. All the tension drained out of Sasuke at once, leaving him feeling something like a rapidly deflated balloon. Of course Itachi would call from his desk phone to avoid using minutes. He closed his eyes in irritation at his own incredible foolishness before responding curtly. "I see."

"You must go to New Holly 29 and retrieve the rest of the green beans soon. Tonight's weather may grow cold enough to kill them." Itachi sounded even more robotic over the phone, but Sasuke knew he was right. According to the chart on the fridge, green beans should be harvested in September, and it was nearly October. The knowledge didn't make the task any less appealing. Sasuke couldn't stand gardening, but it was necessary.

Seattle was a big proponent of urban agriculture and local growing. The city government sponsored a popular program to help communities set up public gardens at little or no cost to citizens wishing to participate. Itachi and Sasuke were low-income enough to fall into the "no cost" category. As long as they put in the labor, they could take home whatever they managed to grow in their own little corner of the garden essentially for free, and sell whatever was leftover through a complimentary program. Sasuke knew the programs were too important to them for him to not do his part. Even if that part involved gardening...

"Okay," Sasuke answered simply. Itachi hung up without another word.

* * *

Sasuke walked swiftly through the fading golden light. It was a good thing the garden was only a few blocks away. He did not want to be stuck gardening after dark. Not just because it would be incredibly frustrating to have to root through damp soil by flashlight, but because the darkness itself bred bad thoughts. Phantoms from the past always look more real by the light of a blurry moon...

Sasuke turned the final corner and stilled, transfixed by the vision before him. The sky blazed fiercely, awash with the light of the sinking sun. It dyed the scenery orange and pink and deep purple, banishing the shadows of evening for the moment. The garden had a sort of ironic charm, surrounded as it was by crumbling houses and dilapidated buildings. An old railroad track rusted in the weeds nearby. A single, weathered wooden post stuck upright out of the earth, apparently long-abandoned by its scarecrow. Such a contrast from the surrounding urban decay, yet somehow not the least bit out of place here either, the life in New Holly 29 was abundant. Green leaves of late-summer vegetables burst through the black topsoil in row after crooked row. Colorful flowers bloomed everywhere, unaware of any boundary between loveliness and the unsightly, uncontained by the little wooden fence with the broken gate. Ancient and new, natural and artifical, ugly and beautiful: New Holly 29 was all of those.

Sasuke breathed the cool air again. It smelled of concrete and earth. He readjusted the pack of gardening tools slung across his shoulder and headed for the green beans in the northernmost part of their plot, nearly hidden between rows of ripening summer squash and tomatoes. He had never felt this at ease while walking across the soil of New Holly 29 before, nor in any other garden for that matter. Maybe it was because the cloudless sky was empty of crows this evening. Or maybe it was the way the garden looked in the sunset. Color filled his mind's eye, supersaturated his very thoughts and reshuffled priorities until there was nothing else to think about, nothing else worth noting. How could Sasuke's demons be banished by the awkward grace of the present so easily? Though dimly aware that this shift was only a passing phenomenon, Sasuke's cheek lifted slightly, the unfamiliar ghost of a smile creeping across his lips.

"My! How much better that looks than your typical face," spoke a disembodied voice.

He emerged casually from the tomatoes (as if such a thing were perfectly normal), seemingly born of nowhere, a sudden apparition. His characteristic book was still in hand, though closed for the moment. Bi-color black and green eyes sparked with liveliness at Sasuke, though the gray-haired stranger's countenance appeared stoic on the surface as usual.

"—what?" Sasuke heard a small voice break the heavy silence. His own voice. It felt creaky and bizarrely hoarse, as though from disuse. Stupid, given that he had just spoken to Itachi less than fifteen minutes ago.

"Ahah! I knew you had it in you." The man slouched forward, bending to pick up the tool pack Sasuke hadn't even realized he'd dropped. He held the strap out expectant.

"—what?" Sasuke repeated helplessly, frozen.

"Why, the capacity for simple human speech, of course." The man quirked a playful eyebrow, the corner of his mouth curling into a smirk. "You're a real conversationalist. Those one-liners are riveting."

His brain being temporarily disabled, Sasuke's hand eventually moved of its own volition to accept the proffered pack. In a stupor, he slung it over his shoulder again, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. His right hand found his earrings and began fiddling. He opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it once more:

"...oh."

The smirk stretched slowly into a knowing grin. "Exactly."

Sasuke studied his feet, face feeling hot. The sun crept lower toward the horizon, reminding him of why he had come. He looked around aimlessly, somewhat disoriented. "I have to...our green beans—"

The man glanced at Sasuke's bag of tools. "Harvesting?"

Sasuke nodded mutely.

"I can help if you'd like. It'll be too dark to read my book once the sun sets anyway, right?" Another mischievous smirk.

"...bu—what?"  _A lie?_

The man looked rather unimpressed by Sasuke's less-than-eloquent reply this time. "I said, it'll be too dark to read soon anyway, so I'm offering to—"

"I heard you," Sasuke blurted out, eyes narrowing. "I meant, you've read in the dark before. At the movies."

The man became quite inexplicably interested in his own fingernails. He examined them distractedly, remarking with badly-feigned surprise, "Why, you haven't been following me now, have you? Funny, you don't really seem like the stalker type."

Sasuke's jaw fell open. Now  _he_  was the stalker? This guy was something else. And what was with that bizarrely... _pleased_  expression of his?

"Hey, fuck you,  _I'm_ not—" Sasuke huffed, only to be cut off by throaty laughter.

"I know, I know. You're easy. And I'm Kakashi."

A short pause. "...Sasuke."

"It's nice to finally meet you, Sasuke." Kakashi's green eye disappeared briefly in a saucy wink.

Sasuke grunted in response. Kakashi did not hold out his hand to shake, and that was just fine by Sasuke.

"So. Do you want some help or not?" Kakashi inquired once again.

Sasuke stared at the remains of the sunset, contemplating. The light was fading fast, the red-orange in the sky bleeding out rapidly, replaced by the shadowy blue-gray of approaching nightfall. The temperature was already starting to drop. And who knew how much more frequent Itachi's silences might become if he accidentally let the green beans freeze...

"...it's getting dark, so an extra pair of hands might be useful..." Sasuke trailed off. Kakashi, esoteric as he was, merely grinned in amusement at this—evidently sharing a private joke with himself—and said nothing.

And so Kakashi helped Sasuke work in the garden until well after the moon began its long journey arcing through the empty night sky, forgotten. A silent crow may have drifted across its pale face at one point, but Sasuke did not even notice.

 


	5. Wicked Witch

" _Sasuke."_

_He turned at the soft sound of his own name, coming from the back porch. His big brother's voice was low and gentle._

_"What are you doing out here?" Itachi sat down on the edge of the porch. Through the evening's dimness, Sasuke could see the concern in his eyes that he couldn't quite hear in his tone. He looked like he was preparing to say something serious. Sasuke racked his brain just in case but he knew he wasn't in trouble; Dad promised Santa would bring him a new bike this year if he was good, so Sasuke had been trying extra hard lately._

_"I'm fixing the scarecrow me and mom put up today. He's crooked, and his clothes are falling off. I think they're too baggy," Sasuke answered honestly._

_A strange expression crossed Itachi's face. There was a kind of tightness around his eyes. He seemed to choose his next words carefully, "But Sasuke. It's December."_

_"I'm not cold! I've got my heavy coat on, like you said!" Sasuke protested._

_Itachi shook his head once, slowly. "No, Sasuke. I mean, plants can't grow in December. The ground is frozen, and the birds have gone south besides. You know that."_

_Sasuke considered this, frowning thoughtfully. It was all true. "So, are you saying we don't need the scarecrow after all?"_

_Itachi's face became somewhat strained. "Sasuke. Come here, please."_

_Sasuke put the pile of clothes down and trotted over, curious. Itachi patted his leg and Sasuke gladly hopped into his lap, secretly grateful for the warmth despite his earlier bravado. Itachi gestured to the backyard before them, lit only by the rosy windows of the house behind them._

_"What do you see, Sasuke?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"There." Itachi pointed._

_"You mean the scarecrow? In the garden?" Sasuke asked, brow furrowing. Itachi took a very long time to answer._

_"...is that what you really see, Sasuke? Or are you pretending, like a game?" Itachi's eyes met his own identical ones seriously. Sasuke did not know how to answer._

_"Well, mom said—"_

_"I know what mom said. I want to know what_ you _think, Sasuke."_

_"...I'm just pretending?" Sasuke hedged, watching Itachi's face carefully. His brother was hard to read, but Sasuke thought the lines of worry remained._

_"You tell me, Sasuke. Are you pretending? Do you really see a scarecrow, or something else?"_

_Sasuke looked again. He saw the other thing too, the yellow plastic handle stuck awkwardly in the solid earth, stiff bristles facing the sky._

_"...you mean the broom?" Sasuke finally asked. He felt Itachi's body relax against his own, saw his eyes close for a long moment as he exhaled._

_"Yes, Sasuke. Yes, that's exactly what I mean," Itachi said quietly, smiling gently now. "What do we need to scare away crows for? We've never had a garden, right?"_

_"We have a pretend one," Sasuke amended, thinking of all his mother's hard work planting tomatoes._

_"Mm. Pretend gardens are fine, as long as we understand they are not real." Sasuke mulled this over._

_"Does mom—" Sasuke began, but his voice died at the expression on Itachi's face. He looked so sad, suddenly a hundred years old._

_"Forgive me, Sasuke. Maybe next time." Sasuke nodded and slid off Itachi's lap. His brother poked his forehead affectionately before standing and making his way back inside. Sasuke glanced over his shoulder at him._

_"Can I stay out a little longer? Please?"_

_Itachi nodded. "Just come inside if you get too cold. I don't want you getting sick."_

_"Okay."_

_Itachi closed the door behind him. Sasuke sat back on the edge of the porch in Itachi's spot and looked at the scarecrow for a long while, contemplating. He thought about the difference between "real" and "pretend." And he inevitably thought of his mother..._

_As he got lost in thought, it slowly grew darker and darker around him until he couldn't even see the backyard or the house anymore. Maybe there was no house nor yard, in fact. Sasuke found himself walking through the blackness, wondering where he was walking to. At least it wasn't cold anymore. But someone was watching him. He could feel their mismatched eyes on his back. And then somehow he could see it in the dark: hundreds of them descending on him all at once, together. They screamed and shrieked, a deafening torrent of sound. Sasuke sprinted for his life, but they caught up to him effortlessly, ever faster, unstoppable, aiming for his face. Claws ripped, talons slashed, razor sharp beaks gouged. Blood streamed from his eyes in thick red rivulets, poured down his face, and then Sasuke no longer had eyes to bleed from. He screamed himself hoarse, crimson trickling from his newly empty sockets, rushing into his gaping mouth; he choked and retched even as he screamed on into eternity. Hands grabbed and shook him and Sasuke screamed and the hands shook and shook and shook—_

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke gasped, sucking breath into his lungs violently, eyes flying open. He lifted his hands to them, touching, confirming their existence. He blinked. He could see. He was in his room, on the floor next to his bed, sweaty covers twisted around his body. His door was wide open, and Itachi knelt on the carpet next to him.

"Are you okay?"

Sasuke was about to open his mouth wide and laugh like the lunatic he was; to absolutely split his gut laughing at the  _absurdity_ of an ironic question like that. He really was, until he caught the briefest glimpse of Itachi's unguarded face.

Sasuke recognized that expression from so many years ago. How could he ever forget? It was that same delicately complicated way Itachi used to look at their mother when he thought Sasuke wasn't watching. His black eyes swirled with a myriad of unnamed emotions, but there were wells of something intense pooled deep at the bottom of them—such raw emotion that Sasuke had to look away immediately. It was like looking into the sun.

"Are you okay?" Itachi repeated flatly. He averted his eyes from Sasuke, leaning back to put some space between them again after having accomplished his goal of waking Sasuke from the nightmare. Sasuke in turn tried to avoid looking directly at Itachi as he responded.

"Yes. Thank you."

Sasuke heard the tension hang in the air, palpable, as though his brother wanted to say something else.

"If you...need me, you can call me," Itachi managed at last.

"Okay," Sasuke answered quietly, embarrassed. Itachi stood, shutting the door gently behind himself as he left.

Sasuke wondered if that was really all Itachi had wanted to say.

* * *

School wasn't so bad. Aside from the occasional unnecessarily concerned glace from Mr. Umino, most of Sasuke's classmates seemed to have either forgotten his embarrassing outburst of a few days ago, or didn't give enough of a crap about it to comment one way or the other.

 _Most_ being the keyword there.

"Hey, hey! You! The mute bastard! Stop!"

The sound of that obnoxiously loud voice could only mean one thing. Sasuke immediately dropped the rest of his uneaten sandwich in the garbage and was halfway across the courtyard in record time, but not even record time was quite fast enough for someone this determined. A tanned arm, clad in a horribly bright orange sleeve, appeared across his path to block the doorway inside.

"That means  _you_ , you jerk." Blue eyes narrowed at Sasuke accusingly.

" _Naruto!_ " A girl with sharp green eyes and disheveled hair (was she also from his class? Sasuke couldn't really remember) trotted up then, panting slightly. She was not too out-of-breath to knock the blonde kid upside the head, however.

" _Honestly_  Naruto, I told you, you can't just  _accost_ people like this because they won't talk to you. Yelling insults is not the easiest way to make friends with someone either, by the way." The girl sneaked a tentative glance towards Sasuke.

"But-but-Sakuraaaa," the blonde whined, "this antisocial bastard has avoided everyone  _all year_! I wanna know what his problem is!" He whirled on Sasuke. "What's with you, huh? Think you're too good to be part of the _community_  or something? Or are you one of those self-appointed emo artsy outcasts? Did a funny uncle touch you somewhere as a child and give you weird social phobias or  _what_?"

"Hoky— _Naruto! You just can't say stuff like that to people!_ " Sasuke heard another  _thwack!_  followed by an, " _Oooowww_ , Sa-ku-raaaa!" but missed seeing the actual hit, given that his back was to both of them as he made a mad dash for the gate in the fence on the opposite side of the courtyard.

"Oh no you don't!"

Sasuke broke into a flat-out run the second he heard the sound of pursuing sneakers, but the persistent kid was smarter than he looked. Sasuke's hand was stretched out towards the gate when he went down hard, an orange backpack tangled up hopelessly around his feet. Sasuke didn't need to guess who threw it. He kicked the backpack away and rolled onto his back, blinking up at the gray, cloudy sky in defeat. His vision was eclipsed by an orange and blonde mass, looking down at him in disbelief.

"I can't believe you tried to make a break for it just so you wouldn't have to answer me!" Naruto whined, brow furrowed in hurt. "You can't possibly hate everyone that much! You can't really hate  _me_ that much, right?" He held out a hand. Sasuke could see Sakura's concerned expression over Naruto's shoulder. He could hear the silence of the other kids eating lunch in the courtyard as they watched the scene progress. He felt the first drop of rain from an oncoming storm hit his cheek. And he saw the steadiness with which Naruto extended a helping hand to him.

"...I—" his voice cracked.

"—I—" he faltered again. Naruto lost his minimal patience and carefully, gently—more gently than Sasuke would have guessed the aggressive boy to be capable of—took Sasuke's wrist in his hand and delicately pulled him to a standing position.

Nothing happened. The ground didn't split open and swallow him, the sky didn't fall, the earth didn't implode. Sasuke found himself upright, staring at the blonde who stared back at him. Sasuke felt the others' stares on them. Too much staring for one day, far too much.

Sasuke cleared his throat quietly. "I'm...sorry," he managed at last, before finally turning and unlatching the gate behind him. "Really."

Sasuke walked away from school. This time, he did not run. He felt a few more drops of rain land on his hair, but still Sasuke did not run. He did look back, but only once the school was long out of sight.

* * *

Sasuke sat under the little wooden bridge at the water's edge, watching the drops break the pond's surface and trying to think of nothing at all. He was not surprised when the expectedly unexpected face of Kakashi popped into upside-down existence over the side of the bridge to peer down at him.

"Yo," Kakashi greeted with his easy smile, all cheery despite the wet weather. When he received no immediate response, the enigmatic man made the small jump over the side, landing lightly on the edge of the pond to peek under the bridge at Sasuke.

"Hiding from something down here?" His black and blue eyes were inquisitive.

Sasuke shrugged vaguely. "The rain..."

"Aah. Well, hope your day gets better, Ms. West." Kakashi abruptly began to saunter off through the downpour in a random direction.

A thoroughly stumped Sasuke called after him, "Wait, 'Ms. West'? What?"

"As in, 'the Wicked Witch of?'" quipped Kakashi. Sasuke looked distinctly unimpressed, so Kakashi clarified: "My apologies. With that depressingly black aura of yours and an obvious allergy to water, it was an easy mistake to make."

Sasuke cracked a smile at this despite himself.

"So. Wanna go for a walk with me?"

"In the rain?"

"Of course! What sort of weather is more beautiful than a gray, rainy day like this? It's healthy for plants. Should be healthy for you too, so long as you're really not the Wicked Witch of the West." If Sasuke didn't know better, he would've sworn the older man's shoulders were twitching with silent laughter.

"Well, with logic  _that_ infallible..." Sasuke rolled his eyes, but climbed to his feet anyway. "Where to?"

"It's against human nature to be so...linear. Must we always have a destination in mind before we even begin?"

"No. I suppose not," Sasuke allowed, arching his eyebrow. "But then how do you know it when you get there?"

"You don't," Kakashi said simply. "Would you like to come anyway?"

Much to his surprise, Sasuke did. The motley duo set off side by side together through the rain, one reluctant, the other at ease, both headed in no particular direction at all.


	6. Scarecrow

Really, it was perfect weather for a walk to the library, or so Sasuke justified to himself.

Seattle's sky was rarely anything except overcast this time of year (or most of the year really), but today there were a few patches of blue scattered amongst the gray. The extra rays of sunshine seemed to warm up the air a bit too. Surely there was no reason to waste such nice weather stuck in the four-walled prison known as class...and he hadn't been to the library in so long...years, really…so many reasons to skip school today, see?

Sasuke tried to pretend that the look of disappointment in Naruto's eyes yesterday had nothing to do with his decision to cut, but he wasn't even fooling himself.

Sighing, he put the memory away for now. Today he was going to enjoy something for a change. Maybe the weather. Or a good book. Even both! It had been far too long, really.

The library was not very far from his apartment, and Sasuke found the walk more enjoyable than taking the bus would be. The New Holly branch was small; not surprising, given that the average income level of his neighborhood wouldn't afford most families much time to read for leisure. Nevertheless, it was modern and well kept, like most of Seattle's public libraries.

Sasuke reached the glass doors and paused, peering in. The lady at the front desk was busy helping a young mother with one arm full of books, the other a baby. Perfect. Sasuke was armed with excuses about "school projects" and such, but he'd rather not have to explain his truancy to anyone if possible. Seizing the opportunity, he slipped in inconspicuously and made his way to the fiction section towards the back.

So many choices! Sasuke tried to recall his reading preferences as a child, back when Itachi would take him to the big library near their house every other Sunday. He had read sci-fi, fantasy, all the classics that Itachi thought were accessible enough for a small child (even when they really weren't—Itachi sometimes overestimated his abilities), humorous ones, and even a play or two. Sasuke wondered if he would still like all these things. It had been so many years, and he frankly wasn't at all sure  _what_ he liked now. Did reading tastes change? Did his current self even have such a thing as "reading tastes"?

Musing silently, Sasuke skimmed his fingertips over the spines of row after row of books, all the way to the end of the aisle, gaze glossing over this or that title. A series of bright covers caught his eye near the end, and suddenly Sasuke was startled to find himself in the Adult section. Not the "Adult Fiction" section, but the  _adult_ "Adult" section. Peeking around furtively to make sure he was alone, Sasuke edged one of the orange books out and looked at it curiously. The cover looked familiar, but Sasuke couldn't remember where he would have seen such a thing before. He opened it to a random page and began reading:

_"—God, it's too good! Oooh!" she cried, digging her fingernails into the broad, black-clad shoulders of the ninja._

_"Still think you can 'handle' me all by yourself, Priestess?" the hot breath of her unexpected night visitor ghosted across her ear. "If you don't tell me where the scroll is hidden within the next five seconds, I'll add another finger. Five...four...three..."_

_"Oh, no, no! You mustn't! I'm sworn to protect the temple with my life, but—dear God—you're driving me—"_

"Crazy stuff, mmm?" a throaty voice spoke into Sasuke's ear.

Sasuke squeaked and jumped, dropping the book as though burned. He spun around, finding himself trapped between the bookshelf behind him and the large body of Kakashi before him. His heart thumped audibly in his chest.

"How—how the hell do you  _do_ that?" He hissed under his breath, not wanting to draw the librarian's attention.

"Do what?" Kakashi breathed, one eyebrow raised.

"Appear! Out of nowhere!"

"Sasuke, it's hardly  _my_ fault that you're so exceptionally unobservant," whispered Kakashi, though he offered a teasing half-smile in appeasement. "Moreover, I have a better question for you: what exactly is a young, upstanding citizen like yourself doing skipping school to browse bad porn?"

Sasuke's cheeks lit up like pink Christmas lights on fire. "None of your business. And what makes you think it was porn?"

"You mean aside from all the blushing and breathing giving you away?" Sasuke inwardly cursed himself for blushing harder still at this. "Why, the Icha Icha series happens to be my all-time favorite reading material," Kakashi proclaimed, pulling a familiar book out from some mysterious hiding space beneath his jacket.

Sasuke stared at Kakashi in disbelief. "In public? At the park? At the  _movies_?"

"Everywhere," Kakashi responded, nodding solemnly.

"Fucking perv," Sasuke rolled his eyes and grabbed a random sci-fi novel off a nearby shelf, preparing to make a beeline for the check-out counter, curious librarians be damned.

Kakashi chuckled, following. "Hey, not even I am perfect. I may be a pervert, but you seem to like me well enough." Sasuke could tell the man was grinning stupidly at his back without having to look.

Sure, it was a dumb, arrogant thing to say, but it gave Sasuke pause while waiting in the check-out line. Was it true? Yes. Not even Sasuke was  _that_ out-of-touch with himself. At some point in time he had gone from "not minding" to "actively liking" Kakashi, but why? Because Kakashi was laid back, easygoing...he didn't require normal standards of communication from Sasuke like others did? He was a total weirdo, but so was Sasuke, so perhaps he felt a little more at ease around Kakashi than he did around others. More like himself. And that was worth something, right?

Sasuke was so lost in his musings that he barely noticed the librarian's dubious expression. She checked him out quickly.

Outside, Kakashi was already waiting for him.

"You know, it'd probably be hard for someone who works with books all day to scold a kid who skips school to go to the  _library_ of all places," he said pointedly. Sasuke blinked. Kakashi laughed.

"You're a good kid, Sasuke. You just don't know it yourself. Or maybe you do, but don't know you do...?" he trailed off wistfully.

"I'm...not sure if that makes any sense," Sasuke replied, brow furrowed.

"Me neither," Kakashi agreed, smiling.

Sasuke offered a small smile in return, feeling a bit emboldened by his recent realizations. "Hey, uh...are you doing anything today? Or do you like, have a job or something?"

Kakashi laughed. "My job is to hang out with my usually-gloomy-but-mysteriously-better-today friend Sasuke, of course."

"Of course," Sasuke agreed, snorting derisively. "Or so says my usually-lazing-about-reading-and-thus-probably-une mployed friend Kakashi."

"Ouch! You've got teeth today." Kakashi wagged his eyebrows at Sasuke, who ignored them.

"So, if you're not doing anything...why not come over? If you want to, I mean," Sasuke amended quickly, cheeks faintly pink.

Kakashi stroked his chin, pretending to think about it. "Hmm. You're not trying to lure me to a secluded place to take advantage of me now, are you?"

Sasuke spluttered and choked. "Which one of us is the creepy adult hanging around with a minor again?!" He spun on his heel and stormed towards home. "You're uninvited!" he shouted back over his shoulder, which only prompted another bout of laughter at his expense.

"Oh come on Sasuke, lighten up a little!" Kakashi chuckled, quickening his pace to catch up. "It's good to endure teasing sometimes. Builds character. And I won't come unless you really want me to, of course. As the adult, it's my sacred responsibility to make sure appropriate boundaries are respected at all times." He winked.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "And what a fabulous job you've done with that so far. Tell me Kakashi, do you  _ever_  take yourself seriously?"

"I avoid it at all costs. You take yourself seriously enough for the both of us; I prefer my ass to be stick-free, thank you very much."

Yes. Clearly this man was someone he liked. How else could Sasuke allow him to get away with shit like that?

Sasuke smiled privately and lead the way home.

* * *

Given that they were in no particular hurry (it was only shortly after noon, leaving Sasuke plenty of time to kick Kakashi out of the apartment before Itachi returned from work), they decided to take the "scenic route." It was a longer walk, but it wandered past less highways and more fields and empty lots, some of which Sasuke secretly thought could be quite pretty. The various kinds of grasses and little flowers that grew in them didn't know empty lots were supposed to be boring, after all.

The "scenic route" unfortunately also went past the garden Sasuke hated, New Holly 29. But last time hadn't been so bad (sort of a good memory, actually), and Kakashi was with him again, so Sasuke didn't think he'd mind passing by so much today. And he didn't, it was there and gone along their little path before Sasuke could be bothered at all.

And the weather was still holding up nicely. Sasuke smiled at the brave blue patches, holding their own against that sea of gray like little islands in an ocean. He turned his smile to Kakashi, who offered him one in return. Smiling was nice. The weather was nice. Kakashi was nice (sort of). Maybe this was peace?

Black flitted across Sasuke's happy field of vision, darting along the periphery. He turned his head. A crow passed overhead like a silent shadow, Sasuke's eyes glued to its path. It circled ominously once, twice—hovered over New Holly 29 in the distance behind them, before landing on the garden's scarecrow.

Sasuke closed his eyes. He put both hands over them, for good measure. There had never been a scarecrow in that garden, just an empty post. Never a scarecrow. Scarecrows don't exist, scarecrows are not real, there are no crows to keep away,  _but Sasuke, it's December_...Sasuke, you stupid child, such a pretender,  _I'm only pretending_...such  _lies_ , his mind, his eyes, his I...

Sasuke stopped walking and sat down hard on what felt like the edge of the path without a word. He hugged his knees and kept his eyes shut tight. He knew what he would see when he opened them. He was too tired to look, too tired to die again. Tired of it all. Tired of himself.

"Sasuke."

A voice broke through just then, one Sasuke had nearly forgotten about.

"Sasuke," Kakashi repeated gently. "Is there something wrong with your eyes?"

"Yes. No," Sasuke answered, not completely understanding his own response. He tried again: "There is something wrong...with me," he finished, quietly confessing the most terrible truth about himself aloud.

Kakashi hummed once, softly, in acknowledgement, but said no more. Sasuke heard the grass next to him rustle and imagined Kakashi's tall frame sitting down beside him. The wind stirred the cool air at his cheek. Sasuke eased some of the pressure of his palms against his aching eyes. He spoke again, not knowing why he was telling Kakashi this, why he should ever tell  _anyone_ this.

"When I open my eyes, I sometimes see things that aren't really there."

Sasuke waited, frozen in time. Waited for the bomb to drop, for his words to hit home. Waited for Kakashi's mismatched eyes to widen in sudden understanding, for him to get up and leave, embarrassed and awkward. For who in their right mind would stay with him, after an admission like that? Sasuke himself was not in his right mind. He was completely unfit for normalcy, for relationships. No one wanted crazy. He was simply  _unwantable._

"And?"

Then Sasuke heard the last sound he ever expected to hear just then: Kakashi's derisive snorting. Sasuke lowered his hands and cracked his eyes open to stare at Kakashi's face in disbelief.

"Big deal," Kakashi said, his black eye and blue eye both focused on Sasuke. "So you have problems. Well, I've got news for you, kiddo: the whole world has problems. I don't think yours make you the special snowflake you seem to think you are."

Stunned, Sasuke simply looked at Kakashi. Kakashi looked back for a long moment before continuing on a little more kindly.

"Now, I don't mean to minimize your suffering. It can't be pleasant, to feel like you're living in a different reality from those around you. But tell me Sasuke, is it really all that strange? We all live in different worlds from each other when you think about it. No two people can experience life around them in exactly the same way. People wage war against, steal from, hate, and lie to each other because they can't understand each other's experiences. It's rather foolish to imagine that everybody else out there is in agreement about some objective 'reality' except yourself. That's sort of a self-centered fantasy, don't you think? True, your universe is in your mind, and your mind may be your universe, but it is not  _the_ universe, Sasuke."

Sasuke was at a loss for words. He felt strangely light; he clutched handfuls of grass on either side of his body as if to prevent himself from floating away along with his thoughts, on the chill wind, up past the gray-cloud sea, up past the blue-patch islands, away through the sky, up, towards the sun...

Sasuke came back to himself slowly. Blinking, he turned to face Kakashi again, who merely looked back at him, accepting, expecting nothing in particular of him. Sasuke stood and absently brushed the dirt off the back of his jeans. He turned to offer his hand to Kakashi but found the man already on his feet, a small smile on his lips, (for him?). They resumed their path in silence, side by side again. A new kind of curiosity burned within Sasuke. Or maybe it wasn't new at all. Perhaps it had been there inside him all along, forgotten and dormant for years. He wanted to ask a question. He wanted to know what kind of reality Kakashi saw. For the first time in so long, he wanted to know—neither because he feared that what Kakashi saw would be different from what he saw, nor because he expected their perceptions to be the same. He simply wanted to understand that much more about Kakashi's world. So Sasuke asked his question.

"Back in the garden, did you see a scarecrow?"

Kakashi smiled his enigmatic smile. "Does it matter?"

Sasuke had to think about that. "I guess maybe not," Sasuke answered truthfully, after a long pause. "Maybe not so much after all." He turned his face into the warmth of the sun and watched the clouds as they walked. The wind tickled his cheek. Fall insects hummed in his ears. Sasuke just breathed. His heart kept on beating. And if Kakashi's hand hadn't been buried deep in his pocket, Sasuke thought he might have wondered what it would feel like to hold it in his own.

 


	7. The Itch

It must have been over two weeks. Two very long weeks. Sasuke was amazed Itachi hadn't brought it up yet; this was by far the longest stretch of time Sasuke had ever dared to avoid school for before. Yet he just couldn't face Naruto's hurt expression, not even in his memories. It was the look of rejection that did it. Sasuke knew that look well. He was no stranger to rejection. He lived with Itachi, after all.

Sasuke's gaze wandered through his too-neat, too-empty bedroom _(like no one lives here)_ before finding his window. He examined the sky silently. Gray of course, but pretty in a strange kind of way - a way that reminded him the earth was a planet like any other, with its own self-contained ecosystem. A tiny, unique space terrarium that manufactured and recycled its own weather - what a strange, amazing phenomenon. Gray days were good days for the movies maybe? It had been a while...

Sasuke backtracked. Was that a normal thought? Did he usually consider the gray sky to be...pretty? Or was that the kind of thing Kakashi would say? Kakashi, whose hair was gray as the sky...but not exactly something Sasuke would call pretty. It looked too much like a tangled mop cemented into a gravity-defying updo. He smiled slightly at the thought.

As if on cue, a sharp tap caught Sasuke's attention. Another tap, and Sasuke noticed a small stone hit the windowpane. He rolled his eyes and threw open the window.

"What the hell, Kakashi? We don't even live on the second floor. Why can't you just knock on my door like a normal person?" Sasuke grunted, trying to keep the corner of his mouth from twitching upwards and betraying him.

Kakashi, naturally, saw right through the grumpy front. "It's nice to see you too, Sasuke. Now are you gonna move aside or do I have to climb in over you?"

Grumbling, Sasuke backed away so Kakashi could scramble in through the tiny window like a cat, as though he couldn't care less about what should be physically possible. Sasuke arched a petulant eyebrow. "Why do you always show up at my place to hang out? You never invite me over to yours."

"You never invite me over to yours either," Kakashi pointed out. Sasuke offered a flat look in return but let it go. It was true, though Kakashi was a man who needed no invitations.

"Well. Surely you have some kind of ridiculous plan for the day. Let's hear it." Sasuke sat down on his bed with a thump, expectant, trip to the movies all but forgotten. To his surprise, the older man's face remained carefully neutral.

"Naturally. But today's antics are to be a little more serious than usual. I think it's time you made some changes, Sasuke."

Sasuke looked on in mild curiosity. "Like what?"

Kakashi grinned.

* * *

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Do you care?"

"Isn't that how prisoners do it?"

"Couldn't say. Haven't been. Yet."

"Well, I heard that's how they do it in prison. Since they don't have any equipment or whatever."

"Well. That's how we're gonna do it, if you really want me to do it. Since we don't have any equipment. Or whatever."

"But—"

"On your butt? Are you sure? Why Sasuke, I would never have imagined you—"

"No! I mean, I just—"

"Changed your mind?"

"No! Shut up, damn! I just wonder if you even know what you're doing!"

Kakashi's hand paused. "Do I seem like the kind of guy who goes through life knowing what he's doing?"

Sasuke stared.

"Does it matter to you?" Kakashi asked again, brow lifting.

Sasuke scratched his nose irritably. "Fuck. No. I guess?"

"I'm reassured to hear such a clear, well-thought out response. I'm glad you've given a permanent change like this the careful rumination it deserves." Kakashi picked the sewing needle up, once again checking the tightly wound thread securing it to the butt of the pencil acting as the rig's handle. Sasuke eyed the simple homemade device in silent speculation.

"So where do you want it then?" Kakashi queried.

"Um. I dunno. My back?"

In the mirror on the bedroom door Kakashi wordlessly indicated a spot on the pale skin near Sasuke's left shoulder blade. Sasuke nodded his acceptance before settling down onto his stomach on the tidy floor of his bedroom. Kakashi dipped the sharp endpoint of the needle into a paper bowl of black India ink and leaned forward over Sasuke's body.

Sasuke swallowed. "Wait. I didn't even tell you what I want."

"I didn't ask."

"What are you gonna do?"

"It's a surprise." Sasuke caught a glimpse of Kakashi's crooked smile in the mirror on his door. A mouth full of white teeth.

Sasuke shivered and closed his eyes.

* * *

When Sasuke next opened his eyes, the sun had set and most of the light had bled out of the bedroom save for the single bright beam of the desk lamp carefully positioned over his back. Kakashi switched it off with a click.

"All done."

Sasuke sat up groggily, slightly dazed, left shoulder aching dully. The sudden dimness was disorienting, and his eyes groped through the space around his room in search of Kakashi's face.

He met the other's cool gaze, his black and red-brown eyes each gleaming oddly in the low light.

"Did it hurt?" he asked with interest.

"Yeah," Sasuke admitted.

"Good," Kakashi replied. Sasuke just looked at him, so he continued. "Change is supposed to hurt."

"Hn," Sasuke answered absently, toying with an earring.

"Well? Don't you want to see?" Another flash of white teeth. A smirk or a smile?

Sasuke craned his neck around to examine his shoulder in the mirror. Even through the dimness he could recognize the small dark shape immediately. He'd know it anywhere. Even in his dreams.

"…it's hideous." But Sasuke's face was curiously devoid of expression as he stared at the crude crow tattoo. He tilted his head slightly in contemplation.

Suddenly Kakashi was close. Staring at Sasuke's crow in the mirror through mismatched, half-lidded eyes. Intent. "Really?" he murmured, raising gooseflesh on the back of Sasuke's neck. "I think it's beautiful."

Sasuke blinked once. In slow motion, as if disconnected from his brain, Sasuke's hand reached up, trailing lightly across his own neck and over the white flesh of his shoulder, cold fingers ghosting down along his back to gently stroke the dark pigment. Immortal. Eternal. His own pale skin, soft somehow, marred black, and yet...

"It suits you," Kakashi whispered.

Sasuke gazed on thoughtfully.

* * *

"Sasuke? Are you home?"

Sasuke's eyes opened wide in panic at the sound of Itachi's voice. He had lost track of time, Kakashi was still here, and if Itachi found him…

"Sasuke?" Itachi called again, knocking on his door.

"My brother's home!  _Hide!_ " Sasuke hissed at Kakashi, diving for a shirt to cover his new tattoo with.

"But—" Kakashi began, sitting up from his sprawl across Sasuke's bed.

Too late. Too late. The door swung open and Itachi stepped inside. "Sasuke? Why is it so dark in here?" Itachi asked, moving to flick on the overhead light.

"DON'T!" Sasuke shouted. To his surprise, Itachi's hand froze before returning to his side. But his brother's black eyes bored through the dimness like laser beams, piercing him. Seeing everything. Caught, frozen, Sasuke could only stammer helplessly. "I-Itachi. I can explain—"

Itachi cut him off. "There's no need. Two weeks is unacceptable. You will attend class tomorrow. That's all."

Bewildered, Sasuke resisted the urge to glance back at Kakashi, undoubtedly still lounging on the bed as though he owned it. "W-what? But…"

"There is no room for argument. This cannot continue. You will go tomorrow," Itachi reiterated firmly. Confused beyond words, Sasuke's eyes darted in Kakashi's direction, though he kept his head carefully straight forward.

"What do you keep looking at, Sasuke?" Itachi asked, brow furrowed. "Are you listening to me? Do you understand?"

"W-well, yeah…" Sasuke hedged awkwardly. Itachi's continued stare prompted him to add, "I mean, yes. Fine. I'll go to school tomorrow."

Mollified, Itachi nodded once before unceremoniously taking his leave. Sasuke stared as the closed door clicked shut behind him.

"What in the…" Sasuke turned to Kakashi, feeling lost. "Didn't he see you? It's not that dark in here...I thought he would freak out," he tried to explain. "I've never had anyone over before, and it's not like I asked permission, and honestly you look like a weirdo and you're older…but it's like he either didn't notice, or didn't even care…" Sasuke trailed off, feeling equally baffled and relieved and…disappointed?

Kakashi cleared his throat delicately. "I see you two have some—ah—communication issues."

"We've got a few more issues than that," Sasuke confessed.

"Well. You could tell me about it. If you wanted to," Kakashi offered.

Sasuke actually considered it, much to his own surprise. "You know, maybe I will. But not right now."

"Sure," Kakashi shrugged. "You've probably been traumatized enough for one day. Or more accurately, un-traumatized. De-traumatized? Hmm, perhaps there is no good antonym for trauma. What an interesting—and telling—language problem."

Sasuke suppressed a tired eye roll. "Whatever, Professor."

"'Whatever Professor: Professor of Whatever.' I kinda like it," Kakashi flashed a quick lopsided grin as he lept lightly to his feet. "Anyhoo, be sure to apply enough lotion on your shoulder to keep it moist, but not too wet. And don't scratch it even if it itches. Which it will."

Sasuke snorted under his breath. "Is change supposed to itch too then?"

"Of course! Now you're catching on," Kakashi chuckled, leaping gracefully through Sasuke's still-open window. "Oh, and Sasuke?" Kakashi called over his shoulder as he walked away. "Good luck tomorrow."

Sasuke remembered school with a grimace. "Thanks," he replied softly, watching as Kakashi's back grew smaller and smaller in the distance. Hesitantly, he reached over his shoulder to brush the tips of his fingers over the swollen patch of skin on his back.

It really was beginning to itch.

 


	8. Tomato Red

Sasuke skulked into the classroom like a criminal even though he was on time. He didn't want to attract extra attention by being late; things were going to be bad enough after two weeks of unexplained truancy. He could only hope Naruto and that Sakura girl would be absent today.  _Yeah, that's likely._

Mr. Umino noticed him immediately, of course. He said nothing, though he flashed Sasuke a very deliberate look that clearly said, "You. Me. After class."

Sasuke started making contingency plans. Itachi merely said he had to  _go_  to school, not that he had to  _stay_ there, right?... Maybe if he jetted after lunch he could avoid both the teacher and Narut - oh. Damn. There went his second pointed stare of the day, from the blonde who just burst dramatically into the room (tardy, of course). It promised retribution later. Sasuke felt queasy.

No. Sasuke refused to be sick. He was tired of running away from his problems. Continuing to delay the inevitable never made things any better; his two weeks of absence only made today that much harder. Today or tomorrow, either way he was going to have to face everyone eventually. Besides, what would Kakashi think? Kakashi, who had bothered to wish him good luck today...Sasuke didn't want to disappoint Kakashi or himself again. He could try. He would try. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

"So."

Sasuke's spine straightened at the sound of the voice behind him. This was it. His hands clenched his sandwich tightly.

"You're back."

Sasuke exhaled and reluctantly spun to face the blonde. "Yeah."

Naruto scrutinized him with narrowed eyes, sizing him up. He exchanged a glance with Sakura. "We kinda thought you were gone for good."

"Well," Sasuke said carefully, still waiting for the proverbial bomb to drop. "Here I am."

"Hn. So you are," Naruto said, sucking in his cheek in contemplation. His normally boisterous temperament was unusually stony. The silence stretched on painfully long as Naruto just stared at Sasuke, the cogs in his head turning almost audibly. Sasuke waited, his heart in his throat. Finally, Naruto spoke.

"Well. Since you're here and all..." he began, pausing to glance once more at Sakura, who nodded.

She continued in his stead, "Since you're here...eating lunch anyway...why don't you sit with us this time?" She offered him a tentative smile.

Sasuke blinked at the unexpected request. He had definitely expected some consequences for his antisocial behavior, maybe some shunning, public shaming, name calling...tarring and feathering, sure...but an invitation to lunch? What?

Sasuke suddenly remembered to breathe again.

"Um. Okay," he gasped out, not quite believing his luck.

"GREAT!" Naruto exclaimed with a huge grin, all animosity suddenly forgotten. He grabbed Sasuke by the elbow without preamble and hauled him towards a large group of kids seated around a picnic table near the back of the courtyard. They were eating and laughing and talking, sometimes all three at once. Naruto pulled up to an abrupt halt at the head of the table with Sasuke in tow, Sakura flanking his other side. The group's chatter died down as they noticed the newcomers.

"So!" Naruto said, plopping an arm casually around Sasuke's shoulders like they were already that familiar. "This is Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji." He began to go round the circle, pointing at faces and reciting names with dizzying speed. "Kiba-Hinata-Shino-Neiji-TenTen aaaaaand, Fuzzy Brows!"

The one dubbed "Fuzzy Brows" gave Sasuke a thumbs up with a Very Serious Look on his face. The blonde girl's jaw dropped to her knees as she stared at him in obvious appreciation. The round boy beside her wiped a little drool off her chin resignedly. Next to them, a boy with a short, spiky ponytail let out a lazy, "Yo." Sasuke felt the tips of his ears turn red.

"And of course you know Sakura and me," Naruto continued cheerfully, clearly believing he needed no introduction. And perhaps he didn't. "Everyone, this is..." There was a jarring pause as Naruto stopped short and turned to Sasuke incredulously. "Hey, uh, what's your name anyway?"

"S-sasuke," he breathed, choking on his words a bit but trying not to show it. "I'm - Sasuke. Uh, hi."

And if Sasuke's attempt at a smile looked awkward (or a bit pained, even), there was not one person at that table who really minded.

* * *

"So how did it go?" Kakashi inspected another tomato before tossing it into the rucksack.

Sasuke wiped sweat off his brow and smiled. "Surprisingly well," he said, a hint of pride creeping into his tone. Part of him still couldn't quite believed he'd escaped the day's interactions intact. "They didn't seem to care about my problems very much. They just wanted to talk and eat and stuff. Even Mr. Umino didn't chew me out too badly."

Kakashi smiled, not looking surprised in the least. "They sound like nice people. I'm glad."

"Yeah. They invited me to come with them to play paintball this weekend. Or rather, the group invited me...Naruto just threatened me. Said he'd kick my ass if I chickened out...but he also said he'd kick my ass if I showed up. Presumably with a paintball gun." Sasuke yanked a creeping weed out along his way to the next plant.

"I wouldn't be so confident if I were him," Kakashi said with an amused look. "Something tells me you'll be pretty competent at a game like that."

"You think so?" Sasuke asked with a poorly-hidden smirk. He was kind of looking forward to the weekend. It wouldn't be much longer now _(Thursday already? Time flies when you don't spend it all alone)_ , and if he and Kakashi got all the harvesting for New Holly 29 done today, how could Itachi possibly say no? Hand passing over a still-green tomato, Sasuke stilled abruptly, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Hey...do you think my brother will give me money to go? Is paintball expensive?"

"I really think he'd be willing to pay the price in this case, Sasuke. When was the last time you asked him for money so you could go out with friends?" Kakashi pointed out.

"Er...I can't remember," Sasuke admitted, somewhat abashed.

"I'm surprised you're even worried about something that, to be honest. Is your relationship really that bad?" Kakashi inquired lightly, shifting the bag of tools to his other side.

"Kind of," Sasuke said, eyes downcast. When Kakashi's silence grew almost accusingly heavy, he continued with a sigh. "Yeah, actually, it is. Ever since our parents died. We were alright before then."

Kakashi said nothing for a while, letting the silence languish as he plucked and bagged a few more tomatoes. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay," Sasuke replied hesitantly. "I don't mind talking about some of this stuff if it's with you. And it's probably good for me, right?"

"Naturally I'm good for you Sasuke. My shining personality is quite therapeutic. And the mere sight of my face has been known to cure cripples," Kakashi remarked seriously.

"Sure, at the cost of their eyesight maybe," Sasuke retorted, suppressing a chuckle.

"You're just jealous because you can't feed the hungry with the sound of your voice alone. But please, do continue."

Sasuke frowned thoughtfully. "I was six so I don't remember it too well. I definitely remember the police station afterwards. Fake plants and shiny tile, like a hospital. I left my jacket in the car, and it was so cold, we had to sit on these benches and wait around a lot, and there were these strangers in suits...and of course policemen everywhere asking Itachi all kinds of questions. I don't really remember them, but I know they were mostly about mom. I was scared and wanted to hold Itachi's hand, but he wouldn't touch me...that was the first time he ever acted like that towards me. Colder than the stupid room. The police wanted to question me too, but Itachi wouldn't let them. He said I was in shock, I think...he asked for a lawyer."

"What happened?" Kakashi asked, voice quiet.

Sasuke stared absently at the bright red tomato in his hand. "Itachi told them...he told them my mom had a psychotic episode, became paranoid and violent, and killed my dad, then herself..." Sasuke trailed off uncertainly, unseeing eyes gazing past the scarecrow's empty post into the distance.

Kakashi exhaled. "That's unspeakably horrible, Sasuke. You didn't...witness it?"

"To be honest,  I'm not sure. I remember Itachi told the police I didn't see anything, but I always kind of wondered if that was really true...I mean, why do I remember playing in the backyard that day? Why do I remember...?" Sasuke trailed off, glazed eyes gazing at the ripe, red tomato clutched in his fist. Redredred tomato...

* * *

_Special Agent Sasuke knew exactly where the enemy spies kept their weapons stash: in a top secret safe at the bottom of the closet in the master bedroom. That was enemy territory, he wasn't allowed in there. Ninja Master Itachi was doing homework in his room across the hall with the door open; this would be a tricky mission. He could easily be seen at any time. If he got caught, there would surely be no hope left for the princess...the enemy would make her marry the evil king of the North, and all hope would be lost for the realm...unless Sasuke managed to rescue her. Maybe the Queen would promote him to Chief Royal Spy, and even give him her daughter's hand in marriage! He had to reach the enemy's weapons at all costs to save the princess and the country._

_Sasuke crawled along the carpet in the hallway, approaching slowly and silently. He paused just in front of Ninja Master Itachi's room to listen. He heard the quiet scratching of pen on paper - he was probably writing a secret communication to his overlord at that very moment! Sasuke needed to hurry, the fate of so many rested on his shoulders. He held his breath and somersaulted stealthily into the master bedroom, quickly scooting around the corner out of sight of the door. He froze, waiting with bated breath, but no one followed him in. His infiltration was a success!_

_Sasuke made a beeline for the closet. He immediately located the shoe box with the picture of the shiny black size 9's. He used his special Spy knowledge to disable the alarm and opened the lid. The weapon! Sasuke grabbed it and hurried back to the doorway. He peeked around the corner, glancing across the hall into Itachi's territory. He saw him hunched over his desk, still absorbed in writing his secret messages. Fat lot of good that would do! All Sasuke had to do was get to the rendezvous point, protect the princess, intercept any enemy spies, and the kingdom would be saved!_

_Itachi suddenly sighed and stretched his arms over his head, working out a cramp. Sasuke ducked back behind the corner, heart racing. He waited...waited...was that the sound of pen scribbling on paper again? Sasuke could wait no longer, he seized his opportunity and dashed out the door, sprinting down the hallway at top speed. He was almost home free!_

_In the kitchen, Sasuke was nearly finished decoding the super high tech lock on the back door when he heard a gasp from behind._

_"Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?!"_

_Oh no! The enemy was onto him! Just another second...he was almost there..._

_"You'll never take me alive, Northern scum!" he shouted, scrambling through the door and slamming it shut. He flew down the path through the backyard, gravel flying beneath his sneakers, hearing the door opening again behind him._

_"FUGAKU! Come out here NOW!"_

_Oh no! She was calling for reinforcements! Sasuke skittered behind a tree, aiming for the rendezvous point along the backyard fence._

_"What? What is it? I was - SASUKE! PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!"_

_"Never!" Sasuke bellowed, adrenaline pumping through his veins. This was it. The final battle. Do or die. "I will protect the princess with my life!" H_ _e skidded to a stop in the tomato patch of the garden just as they caught up to him._

_"BAM!" Sasuke shouted, firing, the ferocious volume of his own voice startling him. "BAM!"_

_"Sasu...ke..."_

_The enemy spy stared at him with no expression as she sank to the ground in slow motion, like in the movies. The other didn't speak at all. He took one wobbling step toward Sasuke before collapsing on top of his cohort in a heap._

_"Wooo!" Sasuke cheered, spinning in a victory circle. "The Northern spies are vanquished! Special Agent Sasuke wins again!"_

_Mom and Dad didn't play often, but when they did they were always so easy to beat. Sometimes he even wondered if they weren't just humoring him. His smile faded somewhat when he saw the bright splashes of crimson blossoming across his parents' clothes. Redredred, the color seeped into the dirt like spilled paint. He probably should have stayed out of the tomatoes...the tomatoes his mother had planted..._

_"Uh oh...will that stain? Am I in trouble?" Sasuke asked sheepishly, the high from the exciting battle finally wearing off. His parents didn't answer._

_A lone black crow landed on the fence behind them. It canted its head to the side inquisitively and observed him with mild interest._

_"What have you done, Sasuke?" it asked._

_But Sasuke couldn't speak._


	9. The Sky

The bodies excited him. What a feast!

It was a macabre sea of limbs. Dismembered arms, hands, legs, feet, all haphazardly piled on top of each other, a horrifying horizon, a literal mountain of corpses. Delicious. The blank, runny eyes were the tastiest morsels. All there for Sasuke's taking. And how he gorged himself!

He flew from heap to rotting heap, tearing flesh off bone in wet chunks, ripping open skin. He picked at fingernails, swallowed tongues. He burrowed into chest cavities and gulped down gooey hearts. He ate and ate and ate, until his black feathers were slick with old blood and the mucous of the dead.

He cackled in delight as he feasted, giddy with glee at this death, at human suffering. Always ravenous, insatiable, Sasuke did his duty and laughed wickedly as he fed. Flying from pile to pile, he passed over grotesque faces he could just barely recognize. Mr. Umino, the teacher; his classmates, Sakura, Naruto...he saw Itachi and their parents...all lifeless, all festering, all food for him. He ate his fill of each and moved on greedily.

Then he came upon Kakashi's decaying body. Leaning over his oozing face to tear off an ear with his beak, Sasuke froze when Kakashi's bright eyes snapped open. One was the verdant color of earth, the other the sea. Both pierced him through.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Feeding," Sasuke squawked.

"No," Kakashi replied slowly, drawing out each word. "You're dying, Sasuke."

Sasuke looked down and saw his fingernails were missing. No, his hands were...dissolving. He was rapidly evaporating into oblivion, starting with the tips of his toes and fingers, crawling up his limbs. In an eyeblink his legs were gone, then his hips, then his abdomen, his heart...

"I'm disappearing!" he cried.

"Isn't this what you wanted, Sasuke?" Kakashi canted his head to the side, and straw fell out of his shirt collar.

"Not anymore!" Sasuke shouted, nothing more than a head floating in space now.

"But why not?" the scarecrow prompted mildly.

"Because - because I'm finally human again!" Sasuke screamed as he dissolved into nothingness.

* * *

"No! I'm human, I'm human!"

"It's okay, you're human!"

Sasuke's eyes flew open. He looked up into Kakashi's face. "What happened?" he gasped, panting. The air burned as he pulled it down his windpipe in great gulps. The other man stared.

"You blacked out in the garden. Then you got up again and ran all the way here, shrieking at the top of your lungs. You don't remember?"

Sasuke sat up dizzily and looked around. He was at the park where he had first met Kakashi, sprawled across the wooden bridge, clothes drenched in sweat. It was nighttime. He suddenly became aware of a stinging pain on the back of his left shoulder. He touched it gingerly and felt fresh blood.

"So much for not scratching. You got yourself real good, but fingernails are not the recommended method for tattoo removal," Kakashi commented.

"Kakashi -" Sasuke blurted out. His pain, exhaustion and confusion were nothing right now, meant nothing in the face of this one terrible thought. "Kakashi - it was me. I think it was me who killed them!"

"Your parents?"

"Yes! I was - I was pretending...Kakashi, what should I do?"

Kakashi exhaled through his teeth. "I can't answer that. What do  _you_  think you should do, Sasuke?"

Sasuke somehow pieced his jumbled thoughts together through the ringing in his ears. "I - I want to talk to Itachi."

"I think that's probably a good plan," Kakashi agreed.

"I want to know why he lied," he added, hauling himself unsteadily to his feet.

"Good luck," Kakashi said. "I'll be waiting to hear what happens."

"Right," Sasuke replied absently, already off and running.

* * *

"Itachi!" Sasuke's voice echoed through the hall as he burst through the front door, sounding like a stranger's to his own ears. His brother appeared instantly, blank face curiously tight.

"Sasuke. Where have you been? What happened? ...is that blood?" Itachi had just asked more questions than Sasuke could ever remember him asking in a row, but he resolutely ignored them all.

"Itachi, Mom and Dad...was it me who did it? Was it really me who did it?" The words hung in the air like physical things, the weight of them threatening to crush the brothers. Sasuke forgot to breath while the world pressed in on them, waiting with listening ears. The moment stretched on into eternity. Then, Itachi's lips parted.

"You remember."

It wasn't a question. The blood drained from Itachi's already-wan face, and Sasuke's legs turned to jelly. Itachi seemed to struggle to find his next words, as if his tongue resisted them. Eventually, he spoke. His quiet voice resonated in Sasuke's ears like the speech of a higher authority, a judge or a god.

"You remember. I'm sorry, Sasuke. I had hoped you wouldn't."

Sasuke's body collapsed without his notice, but Itachi must have caught him. The following beat of time would be missing from Sasuke's memory forever, though he next found himself settled upright in his usual kitchen chair, the one he ate breakfast in every morning, just like normal. Like nothing was different at all. It wasn't possible to absorb a revelation of this magnitude at once - even if Sasuke had maybe known it all along, buried underneath the underneath. His mind still couldn't process it. Itachi silently joined him at the table, looking forlorn.

"I-I was only pretending," Sasuke offered weakly, limp hands hanging at his sides. "I couldn't tell the difference between real and pretend back then...no, I still can't."

"That's not your fault." Itachi's averted face spoke to the tablecloth.

Sasuke, in turn, stared at the floor as if it he could find all the answers to the known universe in the yellowed grout between the tiles. "Is that why you lied to the police? To everyone? To cover for me?"

"It wasn't your fault," Itachi reiterated. "You didn't deserve the legal repercussions. But mostly, I didn't want -"

Sasuke's gazed snapped up but Itachi's eyes remained fixed on the tablecloth. He studied the abstract blue and gray pattern intently for a long moment before continuing in a low murmur. "I didn't want to be separated from you."

Sasuke gaped.

"But now you can't even stand to look at me," he pointed out, the pieces slowly falling into place.

Something suspiciously like shame colored Itachi's face. Hesitantly, he lifted his black eyes to meet the identical ones of his only living family member. "I'm sorry, Sasuke. I've failed you in - I cannot even begin - I'm sorry." The sincerity was etched into the lines under his eyes. Itachi looked a hundred years old once again. A hundred difficult, painful years. Sasuke bore his gaze and saw the hurt there, and the guilt, and...something else?

Itachi's eyes were red. Sasuke couldn't believe what he was seeing, not even when the moisture gathered in the corners, the meaning unmistakable. Itachi wiped it away with his finger before it could roll down his cheeks. "I understand if you can't forgive me, but do you think...perhaps we..." he broke off.

Sasuke was at a loss for words as time ticked on around them, unnoticed by the pair. He fought the strangest impulse to do something he hadn't done in years. He wanted to reach out and hug his brother, but he wasn't sure where to put his hands, so they remained hanging uselessly at his sides. But the need for touch, for that simplest form of human contact, remained at the surface of Sasuke's mind.

"I'll forgive you if you can forgive me too," Sasuke mumbled, voice embarrassingly hoarse. Itachi could only nod.

Sasuke's next words stumbled out of his mouth too quickly for him to question or overthink them, "You know I lov-"

" - I know, Sasuke," his brother interrupted, almost inaudibly. His eyes were closed, but Sasuke heard the imperceptible waver in Itachi's voice as if his brother's emotions were broadcast through a loudspeaker. "Me too..."

When Itachi dared to reach out and poke his little brother's forehead, Sasuke nearly cried.

* * *

It was quite late, but Sasuke knew Kakashi would still be there. He had really become a friend to be relied on when he needed someone to talk to. He hurried to their spot at the park, full to bursting with the need to tell Kakashi the news about his changing relationship with Itachi.

He spotted the orange glint of a familiar book through the dimness. Kakashi was curled up under the bridge by the riverbank. Sasuke hopped down to join him. "Reading in the dark again? You'll ruin your eyes, you know."

Kakashi shut his book and looked up at Sasuke, bi-color gray and blue eyes smiling. "No I won't," he argued amiably.

Sasuke squinted at him. "Hey, were they always that color?" he asked, frowning in puzzlement.

"Why Sasuke, you must be seeing things," Kakashi quipped, eyebrows wriggling.

"Cute."

Kakashi chuckled. "How did it go?"

Sasuke paused, a smile threatening to tug at the corner of his lips. "Not as bad as I thought. Maybe even good. I haven't felt this...light in years. Maybe someday we can finally understand each other."

Kakashi flashed a brief smile in return, but his face grew serious. "I'm glad to hear you can forgive Itachi, Sasuke, but did you forget? What about yourself? Can you so easily forgive your own sins, your own madness?"

Sasuke stared at the rippling black water for a long time, lost in thought. "My parents...I should be devastated, right? It was certainly a shock, but the truth is...it doesn't even seem real to me. I have hallucinations that are real enough to touch, but my own past actions might as well be a dream. I didn't even cry over them. I don't even know if I'm sad. Does that make me a horrible person?"

Kakashi hummed. "I think you know the answer to that question perfectly well, Sasuke. Everyone's reality is different. Your parents haven't been part of yours for some time."

Sasuke mulled this over, face dark with a storm of thought. Eventually, he gathered his courage for what was possibly the boldest assertion he'd ever had to make. "You know, I think you're right. Lots of people who lose their parents so young don't remember them very well. If hell exists, I'm probably going there...but if I'm honest, I don't really think it makes me an awful human being to not be consumed with guilt, even though everything is my fault in the end."

"I didn't say all that. I merely pointed out that you knew the answer to your own question. But if that's your answer, I will admit that I'm proud of you, Sasuke, for finally being brave enough to treat yourself like a regular human being. Even if that little piece of awareness of your own ordinariness, vital though it may be, still doesn't magically solve all your problems."

Sasuke sighed, fingers idly picking apart a blade of grass. "My problems...I don't know, Kakashi. Can they even be solved at all? It might take a long time. Maybe the rest of my life, or forever. And I still might never manage to accept myself completely. But I think...I think as long as I have Itachi, and a handful of people who care about me, like Naruto and Sakura and my other classmates...And my teacher, Mr. Umino. As long as people like them are around. As long as I have a few good places to exist in, like this park, and my neighborhood, and even the garden...and as long as I have myself, most of all. As long as I have myself to love, I think I'll be okay somehow."

Sasuke turned to look at Kakashi, who was gazing at him with something akin to profound admiration on his face, juxtaposed with the somewhat sad smile curving his lips. Sasuke belatedly realized his error.

"Crap - sorry Kakashi!" he blurted out, appalled at his own oversight. "I forgot you, of all people! Without you, I'd still be in hibernation, hiding from the world. And myself. You're my first real friend, you know. As long as I have you I know I can find a way to be happy."

"You'll always have me, Sasuke. Even when you don't," Kakashi replied, eyes crinkling into a grin.

Sasuke laughed. "Is that supposed to be some kind of zen koan?"

"If you want it to be," he responded breezily.

"Hn." Sasuke lay back in the grass and looked up at the stars, suddenly exhausted. The soil was soft beneath his spine, and the velvet of the night enveloped him like a blanket. The minutes ticked by, and Sasuke's lids grew heavier. "Kakashi, how come we always talk about me, but never about you?"

The dark shape of the older man shrugged. "There's not all that much to say about me."

"Well tomorrow, I'd like to hear all about you." Yawn. "Everything. I mean it. For a change."

"That  _would_  be a change. You're full of those lately, Sasuke. Does it hurt?" Kakashi's voice echoed in Sasuke's ears, so quiet it almost seemed to come from within.

"Sometimes hurts...sometimes itches..." Sasuke murmured sleepily. "...but in a good way, like you always say...tomorrow, Kakashi..." He trailed off, consciousness fading fast.

"Tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Goodnight. Have nice dreams, Sasuke..." the voice murmured.

But Sasuke was long gone.

* * *

Sasuke blinked at the gray sky overhead, squinting against the brightness of morning. It threatened rain. He sat up, rubbing his eyes groggily. Had he really fallen asleep outside last night?

"Kakashi, what time is it?" Sasuke glanced around blearily when he received no reply. "Kakashi?"

 _Not under the bridge_. Sasuke lurched to his feet, stretching and looking around the immediate vicinity. "Kakashi? Where are you?"

A pair of yellow leaves fluttered across the sidewalk and over the unoccupied park bench, carried by the autumn wind. They disappeared into the bushes with a rustle. Even the crows were nowhere to be found in the deserted park.

 _Maybe he went home without telling me?_  Sasuke wondered. But somehow that just didn't seem like him...to just vanish without warning, especially after a night like last night. Kakashi was always there when Sasuke wanted him.  _This feels wrong_. Sasuke bit back the panic he could feel rising in his throat and resolved to search.

He headed to the library first as it was closest, even on foot. He flew through the double doors and bypassed the scandalized librarian  _(was it even a school day?_ ), making a beeline for the adult section. Someone in a dark coat with his back turned was browsing the orange spines of Kakashi's favorite part of the aisle.

"Kakashi?" Sasuke blurted, forgetting to keep his voice down. Startled, the figure turned. He was a middle-aged man with glasses and an embarrassed expression at having been accosted in the naughty section by a high school kid. Visibly disappointed, Sasuke searched the entire rest of the library just in case, stalking up and down the endless rows of books, hissing, "Kakashi? Kakashi!" into the thick silence. Surprised eyes of various patrons glanced up at him as he bustled past, but Sasuke didn't even notice the stares in his wake.

He endured much shushing and many a dirty look from the librarian, but it was all for nothing. Resigned, Sasuke made his way to the nearby bus stop. He would find him at the next stop for sure.

* * *

Sasuke waited around the movie theater for hours, patrolling the corridors and scanning crowds frantically as each film let out. Though a Friday, there weren't very many people there for the afternoon matinée. Once, he caught sight of a tall figure with a mop of unruly gray hair, but it turned out to be a life-sized cardboard cutout advertising the next big action movie. Sasuke continued to scan faces desperately with no luck. He checked the bathrooms (even managing to gather the courage to peek in the ladies' room), the concession stand line, the grounds outside. Eventually the usher kicked him out for loitering.

Trying not to become too despondent ( _there is still one more place to check, one more)_ , Sasuke made his way back towards the bus stop. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the approaching curb, or the red DO NOT WALK sign. Red and shining. His foot left the sidewalk just as a familiar voice sounded in his ear.

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke's gaze snapped up just in time. He stepped back from the curb as the bus barreled past, wind ruffling his hair. On it's rear, a woman's face smiled enthusiastically at him from a faded advertisement for toothpaste. Sasuke shivered, surprised by the pounding of his heart and the cold sweat on his palms.

"Oi, pay attention to where you're walking, you assclown! You wanna get killed?"

Sasuke spun around to see two unexpected figures emerging from a popular Asian noodle shop, Sakura waving at him. Naruto, clutching not one, not two, but  _three_  take out boxes under his arm, trotted over. The hell do think you're doing?" the blonde growled.

Sasuke felt his ears turn pink. "I was just...thinking."

Naruto frowned. "You do that too often. See Sakura, I told you it was dangerous."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Just because  _you_  never have a thought in your head doesn't mean -"

Naruto cut her off smoothly. "Hey, Sasuke! Are you ready for public defeat and humiliation tomorrow? You're not gonna punk out and bail on us, right?" he demanded, elbowing Sasuke in the ribs with gusto while somehow managing not to spill his food.

"No, I'll be there," Sasuke wheezed, rubbing his abused ribs.

"Um...is everything alright?" Sakura asked. "You look kinda...lost. And sad."

"Yeah, even more than usual, which is really saying something," Naruto chimed in with his usual sensitivity. Sakura shot him a warning glance, which went ignored.

"It's nothing, I'm just looking for someone," Sasuke evaded, trying to downplay his despair.

"Who? Maybe we can help," Sakura offered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Sasuke blinked back his surprise. "Thanks, but this is kind of something I have to deal with alone," he replied, not knowing how to explain his relationship with an eccentric, gray-haired, porno-reading man of indiscriminate age.

"You sure?" Naruto asked. Sasuke nodded. "Well, good luck with your search then. Call me if you change your mind, you've got my number. Or just call Sakura, 'cause she picks up her phone more often. See ya tomorrow...or else!" He waggled a threatening finger at Sasuke before taking off down the street at a rather reckless speed, take-out cartons balanced precariously on one arm.

"Later, Sasuke!" Sakura called over her shoulder, jogging to catch up with Naruto. Sasuke smiled faintly at their retreating figures as they disappeared around the corner.

* * *

Sasuke caught the next bus back to his neighborhood. If Kakashi was anywhere, he had to be at New Holly 29. It was the last place Sasuke could hope to find him. His resources were exhausted.

At the bus stop, Sasuke nearly bowled over some other passengers in his scramble to get off. He started sprinting as soon as his feet hit the sidewalk. He sped past empty lots and old buildings, past overgrown fields full of mingling flowers and weeds. He retraced the long route he and Kakashi had walked side by side together just a few weeks earlier. His heart pounded in his throat, full of anticipation and fear.

By the time Sasuke reached the garden it was well into late afternoon, and he was panting with exhaustion. He wiped sweat from his brow and sat down hard in the dirt near a row of cabbages, catching his breath and blinking back tears. The only other thing in the garden was the naked post, still missing its scarecrow. Kakashi was nowhere to be found.

 _I don't know where he lives, his phone number or anything about him_ , thought Sasuke in utter desolation. _I don't even know his last name. I really may never see him again._

Sasuke rested for a long, long time, feeling lost and miserable. He wanted to stay sitting in the garden until he sprouted roots and the plants grew over, turning him into part of the landscape. He wanted to throw a fit, or sink back into the numb oblivion he'd existed in for the past several years and let the world pass by without him. He almost would have welcomed one of his waking dreams, but nothing came. Sasuke didn't do any of those things.

Instead, Sasuke sat, and Sasuke breathed. And he kept breathing. The air rushed into his lungs, filled his blood with oxygen, circulated around his brain and stirred the life in him onward. His body just kept on breathing whether he was happy or sad or crazy or lonely, like always. A cricket landed on a nearby leaf and played its music, indifferent to Sasuke's troubles. But Sasuke couldn't feel indifferent to the cricket. Not anymore. In spite of everything, the simple, meditative sound was soothing to his ears.

Time passed in that strange, erratic flow peculiar to the garden, and Sasuke felt every painful, wondrous second of it with his whole being. One can only languish in melancholy for so long, and Sasuke had done quite enough of that for most of his life. He didn't cry. Eventually, like always, he had to get up and move. Everyone has to stand up again at some point and  _move_. He had searched everywhere he could think of; there was nothing left to do but go home for the day.

Someone was waiting for him there, after all.

* * *

Itachi appeared in the foyer the second he opened the front door, a crease of concern between his eyebrows. "Where were you Sasuke? I thought you were only going to visit a friend last night, but you never came home and you left your phone here."

"Sorry," Sasuke said, suddenly guilty. "I fell asleep, and then this morning..."

Itachi absorbed the expression on his little brother's face. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm okay. But I have the strangest feeling I'm never going to see my friend again."

Itachi seemed to consider his words carefully before speaking. "I'm sorry to hear that Sasuke. It seems he meant a great deal to you." He paused briefly, then added, "I know it's not much, but you still have me. I'm here, if you ever want to talk about it."

"Thanks, Itachi," Sasuke said, surprised to find he meant it. "I think someday I will tell you about him. About everything."

Itachi offered him a small smile. Sasuke managed one back. For his brother's sake.

On a sudden impulse, Sasuke ducked into his room. He tugged his shirt off and dropped it carelessly in the middle of the carpet. Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned to examine the back of his shoulder in the mirror.

The crow tattoo was gone.

"Hah." Sasuke laughed aloud half-heartedly, sitting down on his bed with a thump. It wasn't particularly funny, but he didn't know how else to react to a situation like this. He was certainly not as surprised as he would have thought. _Hah. I guess...I guess I sort of knew it all along. You never were a subtle kind of guy, eh, Kakashi?_  He smiled to himself, but the bittersweet gesture didn't quite reach his eyes.

He would miss Kakashi something fierce. He knew it would hurt like hell. But with the pain would come the change. It had started already, in fact. He missed the older man's snark, his smile, his poor taste in reading material...most of all, however, he'd miss how easily Kakashi understood him.  _Of course, that only makes sense now, huh?_

How strange, to mourn the loss of something that was never there to begin with. Then again...maybe not?

 _Maybe it's impossible to truly lose something that's not real, that you dreamed up. Or maybe it's nonsense to say Kakashi wasn't real at all. Everyone's reality is different, and he was real enough to you. In a way, you've always had him. You made him, so he IS you._  Sasuke imagined that was what Kakashi would say right about now.

Sasuke knew his visions would probably follow him for the rest of his life, but if he could have more like Kakashi in the future, maybe he wouldn't even mind so much. Things were what they were, the crickets would make music, and his body would keep breathing. Born into this insignificant terrarium hurtling through space, this garden of Eden called "earth," where both the crows and the scarecrows were in your head, what else could you do except try to enjoy the eyeblink of time you've been given? Perhaps that's what life is really all about...just having the courage to keep breathing. To keep dreaming, awake or asleep.

Tired, but with an odd sense of closure, Sasuke stood once more and went to his window. Tomorrow would be Saturday; he needed to remember to ask Itachi for money to play paintball with everyone. He breathed deeply, threw his little window wide open and gazed up at the sky for a long moment. It was gray, like normal. That was only to be expected in Seattle. The overcast clouds began to drizzle lightly.

It was beautiful.

* * *

**\- fin -**


End file.
